You see, on this relatively rare trip outside of school to just 'relax' together (Uh huh...), all we could talk about was applying. And, the truly sad thing is that while I was listening to everyone give their encouragement to everyone else ("Oh, you're certainly going to get in!" "Wow, what an MCAT score!" "With your personality, they're going to love you at your interviews!" "What fantastic extracurriculars!") it was painfully obvious that they were really thinking something entirely different ("I hate you." "I'm SO much more qualified than you!" "I hope you fall on your face multiple times during all of your interviews." "God, please. I don't want to work at McDonald's after all of this." "If you get in and I don't, I will throw myself in front of a bus...").
Why would people behave this way? What makes us so competitive and taken over? WHY DO WE BEHAVE LIKE WE DO? I think I may have an answer: the application beast has completely taken control of and become embedded in our pre-med minds. What does this monster do? Please allow me to present my hypothesis to you at this time.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your brain on AMCAS.
1. The Frontal Lobe. This is where processes like organizing, planning, and fore-thought take place. The executive functions, if you will...the decision making. For example, let's look more closely at the self-dialogue that may be involved in the planning of a normal person's (that is, a non-premed student's) typical Saturday: "Wow. What a beautiful morning! Alright, I'm gonna get lots done. I think that I will start with a great breakfast, then go shopping. When I get home...I should do some chores around here. OK, I need to mow the lawn and clean up the house a bit. Hmmm. That's fine, I'll still have plenty of time to run to the gym and catch the 9 o'clock showing of that movie I've been dying to see. After that, drinks with the friends!" (Please note: this is my guess at what goes on in a normal mind. I can't actually be certain because I am, in fact, a pre-med...and have not had a normal mind for years now.)
In contrast, here is an example of what might go on in the pre-med frontal lobe during a Saturday morning scheduling session (this I DO know about!): "i need to do so much i'm so tired but that doesn't matter THAT DOESN'T MATTER first i have to do seven sections of princeton review organic chemistry practice today i can't believe i have to take the MCAT again i better get above a 10 in every section I HAVE TO GET ABOVE A 10 then i still need to write up that physics lab report it's due monday oh god it's already almost monday and i have so much to do third i have to write those essays for that secondary i haven't mailed in yet OH GOD I'M NOT GOING TO GET IN i have to get in i better check my status on AMCAS but only after OH CRAP i forgot that i signed up to volunteer at the hospital today JEEEEEEEEZ that's going to cut into my study time i have to study for my immunology test OK monday i have immunology then i tutor organic chemistry then i've got biochemistry physiology molecular evolution physiology lab i've got to write up that physiology lab crap all my lab groups suck except Brett he works hard I bet he'll get in and i won't i can't think about that now i've had to pee for 2 hours i better go but when WHEN can i pee i need to shower NO TIME FOR A SHOWER fifth i have to see where that fourth letter of recommendation is i can't believe i'm 65th on that waitlist oh no was i on number six or seven f-word i forgot the order ok now i have to start over to make sure i'm not forgetting anything first i have to do seven sections of princeton review MCAT organic...WHAT IF I CAN'T GET AT LEAST A 10 god i'm tired..."
2. The Temporal Lobe. This is where the brain does incredible things like store memory and understand language. To the normal person, the temporal lobe may be filled with pleasant memories of family and friends, lyrics they can still sing by heart even after all these years, useful facts committed to memory, and life lessons learned.
The temporal lobe on AMCAS is a completely different storage area. Basically, this part of the pre-med brain is filled with nightmare statistics on medical school matriculation...leaving (of course) only enough room to remember those 9,765 organic and biochemistry mechanisms, those 7,392,846 physics equations, the metric-to-english-and-back-again conversion scales, a mile-long to-do list (assembled in true AMCAS-affected-frontal-lobe fashion, see part 1), and the statistics skills necessary to compute, to the nearest approximation, the likelihood of acceptance when considering any given combination of GPA and MCAT score. This lobe, my pre-med friends, is why we can't sleep at night.
3. The Brain Stem. The brain stem is the lower extension of the brain--where it connects to the spinal cord--and is in control of many vital processes. Neurological functions located in the brain stem include those necessary for survival and for arousal (no, not that kind of arousal, silly, I'm talking about being awake and alert. Is that Brut I smell?). Basically, in normal people, the brain stem maintains steady breathing, typical digestion, a consistent heart rate, and regular blood pressure.
This part of the brain is really disturbed when your brain is on AMCAS. I mean it, one word will MESS YOU UP. Just mention any of the following: AMCAS, applications, AAMC, admission, MCAT, interview, school, grades, etc. and all of those neurological functions go into a tailspin. Breathing steadily? Oh, no no no...you're hyperventilating, and there's nothing you can do about it. Digestion? Ha! The Nervous Poots and their accompanying stomach aches inevitably take over. A heart which usually beats consistently becomes irregular and feels like it's going to burst through your chest cavity. And, don't even get me started on what monstrous things happen to your blood pressure. In short: you're f 'ed.
4. The cerebellum. The cerebellum provides the body's balance and motor dexterity; it provides posture and coordination. This thing helps normal people dance, play sports, or exercise, and not fall over while doing so. For pre-meds, the cerebellum is not given much of a chance to function, however, because the body of a person whose brain is on AMCAS is, for the most part stuck at an an uncomfortable desk, in an uncomfortable chair, cramming things into its already-too-full temporal lobe (see above). Cerebellum function does come into play for us a bit, however, because something's got to keep us from falling out of our awful chairs...
5. The Occipital Lobe. This area, the most caudal portion of the cerebral cortex (he he--medical jargon, me likey!), is devoted to visual processing and color recognition. Normal people use the occipital lobe to do things like view a sunset while recognizing the sky's beautiful colors. The brain on AMCAS, however, probably hasn't experienced a sunset in years because it hasn't escaped the library before nightfall since high school. The occipital lobe is, however, used often by the pre-med because it allows us to read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. Sorry. I'll stop.
6. The Parietal Lobe. One of the functions of this area of the brain is to integrate sensory information from many parts of the body. The parietal lobe, for example, has the ability to sense touch (among many other things). So, normal people use their parietal lobes to do things like feel a breeze, appreciate a massage, tell the difference between different fabric textures...and feel all of the other things a body feels in response to touch (...easy, now. That IS Brut I smell, you pervert!). The brain on AMCAS, however, has a devastatingly atrophied parietal lobe because the body that is attached to the brain on AMCAS is, most likely, completely numb from the neck down. This is due to a combination of factors which include--but are not limited to--uncomfortable studying positions (see part 4) and the pre-med body's constant state of panic (see part 3).
These are just a few of the devastating effects AMCAS has on the brain. I beg you, if someone you love is on AMCAS, please help. If the above explanation of what AMCAS does to a healthy brain isn't enough to motivate your involvement, consider this: if left untreated, long-term exposure to AMCAS may cause a previously-normal individual to end up looking like this guy...or even worse.
Intervene, people. Intervene.
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