The initial thrill of being accepted to my first-choice school is now over and I'm left with one emotion: fear.
I used to be afraid that I wouldn't get into medical school...now I'm afraid because I have gotten in! I know that probably seems really silly to anyone who's not gone through this, but it's true. I'm terrified. We're selling our home in order to move 6 hours away to a major metropolis. We've owned our home since we got married and now we're moving and going to rent a high rise apartment. That's a big change!
The thing that scares me is this: I know all of this change is because of me. My husband and I are selling the home that we love. We are leaving everyone we've ever known. My husband is leaving a great job with great benefits. We're uprooting our whole lives...and it's my fault. My fear is that we'll do all this, disrupt our entire lives, and then I'll get to medical school and not be smart enough. What a catastrophe that would be. I am terrified that I'm doing this to us for nothing. I don't know what I would do if I did that to us...to him (my husband). He's giving up everything so I can chase this dream. I don't want to let him down. That's all. That's my fear: failure.
The way I'm seeing myself through this terror is one day at a time. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, so to speak, and I'm going to do the best I can. In the worst case, if I do fail, I'll go down with a fight. I'll go down having tried something great, something worthwhile. That thought is comforting. The thought that I'm doing this afraid--that I'm not letting the fear stop me in my tracks.
The other thought that keeps surfacing in my mind is this: I'm only going to live once. Only one time. This is my chance to go to medical school. This is it. This may be my only chance to ever live in a big metropolis...how exciting! Looking at it that way, it's actually exciting. So, I'm trying to remember that this move and this school are not going to kill me. I'm going to be alive in 10 years...and the me in 10 years is going to thank the me from today for growing a pair and facing my fear. In that light, this time is absolutely exhilarating.
I hope that any of you who are also afraid can find some comfort in these words.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Past Quotes:
- "God put me on earth to accomplish certain things and I'm so far behind that I'll never die." -Unknown
- "You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind." -Unknown
- "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are always cocksure and the intelligent are always filled with doubt." -Bertrand Russell
- "I saw an angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free." -Michelangelo
- "If people only knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful at all." -Michelangelo
- "So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable." -Christopher Reeve
- "If, upon commencement, you find that you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you." -Robert F. Goheen
3 comments:
You should not be worried about failing.
In my experience, it might be worth worrying about the following: 1) that your husband will hate his new job and blame you for making him move, and 2) you will be too busy trying not to fail that you will not spend time with him.
These are problems that can be avoided. Bad jobs can be fixed, fortunately, and med school (at least the first year) won't take as much time as you fear.
Thank you so much for your comment. It's great to hear that! :)
I've felt almost exactly what you're feeling. You are going to be just fine. :-) However, as old md girl points out - you do need to make your husband aware of the time it takes to memorize the sheer amount of material that they'll throw at you. My boyfriend and I struggled over that for awhile - he thought I could get by with less studying, but I knew better.
Another thing - you'll save yourself a lot of craziness if you compete ONLY with yourself for grades and such! Good luck.
Post a Comment