Sacrifice

I have had a truly heartbreaking couple of days and need to get some rest because my head is pounding (generally, if I cry a great deal, my head hurts). I just wanted to check in really quickly.

Let me just say this first of all: I thought that getting IN to medical school was the hard part (and it WAS hard) but in actuality, getting TO medical school is proving to be very taxing, too.

As you may know, I'm moving 300 miles from home to go to school. I'm leaving everything...but I always thought I could take my pet...

Four years ago, I rescued a German Shepard mix from the humane society and ever since then, I have loved him with my whole heart. He's smart and sweet and gentle and loyal...and he's so beautiful. He's strong when he has to be, too. He once protected me when a man was trying to break into my home--he scared him off! I found out this weekend, though, that I can't keep him. I'm now searching for a loving and safe home for him because he can no longer stay with me.

He's done nothing wrong, the problem is that my medical school housing will not allow me to keep him. I have to choose between medical school (because I can't afford to live anywhere else in the city) and keeping this pet whom I love so much. It's ripping my guts out, but I have to choose medical school, of course. I must go to medical school, I've worked too hard to NOT become a physician now (not to mention I've already taken out loans for the first year of med school...so I can officially not AFFORD to not be a physician!). That means I must say goodbye to one of the greatest friends I have ever known.

Basically, I'm heartbroken that I and my husband now have to give up this animal who we have adored for four years. My heart is aching and I can't stop crying. I keep imagining walking away from him and him whining, not understanding why we're leaving him. I keep thinking that he's going to wonder what he's done wrong...why we left him. It's killing me. I've not been this sad in a very long time. I just can't stop crying. I'm going to miss him so much and I'm having trouble coming to terms with this sudden event in my life. I'm so scared that we won't be able to find a suitable home for him. I love him so much and I always will.

When I prepared for med school and imagined the sacrifices--all that I would have to give up--I imagined moving away from everywhere I'd every known. I imagined missing my family. I imagined working hard and losing sleep...but I always assumed my precious dog would be by my side--or asleep under my desk while I study. He never leaves me. If I walk into another room in our house, he follows. He protects me and loves me and now...I'm losing him and I'm so sorry. I just held him tonight and cried and told him how sorry I am. It's my fault that he's going to be ripped from everyone he's ever known. It's my fault that he's going to have to go through such a change. I did this to him and it's killing me to know he'll suffer.

So, I've been grieving for a couple of days. Of course I'm going to medical school...but the sacrifices I'm making are taking me by surprise already--and med school doesn't even start for almost another three months. God help me...