Oh Yeah, It's Getting Hot in Here

It's crunch time, so I put together a little graduation countdown. I'd like to include it here for memory's sake. From now until the end of my undergraduate life, here are the statistics:

Number of research presentations I have to give at my state capital: 1
Number of lab reports left to generate: 3
Number of term papers to write that I have known about for months but which I have not yet started: 2
Number of panic attacks I'm sure I'll have regarding my aforementioned procrastination: 457102
Number of planned quizzes to take: 7
Number of pop quizzes to take: who knows? That's the nature of pop quizzes, silly!
Number of tests to take: 8
Number of organic chemistry classes to teach: 16
Number of finals to endure: 6
Number of days to graduation: 34
Number of times I'll worry about accidentally screwing everything up: 17293608272637

Excuse me...I feel one of those panic attacks coming on.

Now They Tell Me

I found this site with a lot of quick little quizzes and I thought I'd share some of my results:

What should you study?

I just thought I'd start with one that makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Are you running on adrenaline?

82%? Not 100%? Geeeeeeeez...I'll have to study and take this one again.

Are you cutthroat?

Um...next.

Are you a paranoid schizophrenic?

Taking the MCAT: $200.00

Applying to AMCAS: $475.00

Traveling to interviews: $1000.00

Having "Occasional paranoid moments" to escape reality... Priceless.

How skeptical are you? Hmmmm...I'm a skeptical, cutthroat, mildly paranoid schizophrenic...can I be your doctor?

What is the part of you that no one sees?

Wow...this one is actually frighteningly accurate.

What is your theme song?Sounds good to me!

And finally, for the greatest result of all (keep in mind I answered totally honestly), I give you:

Are you a good student?Crap. It's a little late to find this out now!

I Just Threw Up a Little

Alright...Sanjaya is just making this too easy...

One of Those Moments

I am a TA for a large organic chemistry class (157 students) at my university (I'll have to write about that someday. Basically, this means that I do all the work and the professor golfs...). Right now, I'm sitting in the Science Building, waiting for my class to arrive. They'll be here in about 15 minutes.

This has been a really hard day. I had (literally) 1 hour of sleep last night, an 8 a.m. Immunology exam, a 12 p.m. Molecular Evolution exam, 3 lectures in between those tests, numerous calls and e-mails from my students (because they learned today that there will be a quiz Friday), research to complete in between all this, and I feel like I've not had a single moment to breathe. Looking forward, I get anxious when I realize that I have 5 exams, 7 lab reports, 10 quizzes, two term papers, six finals, and a senior capstone research project (with accompanying oral presentation to be given at my state's capital) to complete in the next month before I can graduate. God help me.

But now, I am having one of those moments (and I'm really glad there's a computer here so I can capture this feeling)--a moment in all the busyness when I'm alone and can gather myself. The lights in this very large classroom are dimmed, the walls and floor are the earth-tone colors typically found in science buildings. The desks are lined up neatly; the room smells like coffee...I think there is a lounge next door... There are posters on the walls of photographs taken by the Hubble Telescope...they're incredible. The air conditioner is humming and making the room very comfortable in this unexpected March heat. The chair I'm sitting in is unusually relaxing; best of all, it's so very quiet. This moment feels unexpectedly surreal...I've spent so much time in this building--hours upon hours upon hours. Now, I'm 36 days from never coming here again. It's bittersweet because I do love my school...and it's so exciting that I feel like crying tears of joy and relief. I certainly can't explain why, but in this moment I've caught my breath and feel totally inspired to attack the rest of this semester enthusiastically.

What a difference 15 minutes can make.

Sleepless

I can't sleep. Throughout the night, I toss and turn...never quite finding comfort. You see, I just have so many burning questions in my mind that I can't shut down long enough to relax and actually fall asleep. I try to stop thinking about them, but they continue to keep me alert and in a state of quasi-panicked insomnia, no matter what I do.

The burning, poignant questions I speak of include some that are centered around my personal life, as follows:

"Have I done enough to prepare for medical school?"
"Will I get through the next 42 days without doing something stupid to mess up my own graduation?"
"Which medical school will I end up in?"
"Will my husband end up happy when we move?"
"Am I smart enough to take on the USMLE Steps?"
"How can I ever repay my family for what they've done for me?"
"Am I strong enough to overcome my overwhelming fear of failure?"
"How will I ever pay for tuition?"
"If something happened to me, would my family be alright?"

Beyond these self-centered questions are some which ponder the world as a whole:

"How long will we be at war?"
"Will the cure for cancer be found in my lifetime?"
"Why can't we feed the hungry, when we have so much surplus?"
"Will there ever truly be world peace?"

Yet, amidst all these intense questions, one query plagues me more than all the others. The issue is so unfathomable; the mystery so cruel that this--THIS enigma is the one that keeps me up later at night than the sum of all the others combined. The mere existence of this question proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is, in fact, no justice in this country. Yes, you may have guessed it already. The question burned into my mind is this:

In the name of all that is good and pure in this world, HOW DID THIS SQUIRMY LITTLE WEIRDO MAKE IT TO THE TOP 10?!?!?!

Does ANYBODY have a GOOD reason? If I hear that it's his hair one more time, I am seriously going to scream. I know it's not because he's handsome; looking at him makes me want to do this. And, no. He can't sing, so don't even try it. I look like this every time he opens his mouth.

Please, as someone who may save your life someday, I beg you: STOP VOTING FOR SANJAYA SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!

Summa Cum What Now?

So, right off the bat I must admit that I have grown quite accustomed to long-winded writing. However, today, I must get back to studying for a big Physiology exam I have this Monday. I really want to document this, though, because it's so funny (at least to me--and I hope to you, too). So, I'll make this short and sweet.

Last Tuesday, my university let me know that I would be graduating Summa Cum Laude [soom-uh koom lou-dey], which is a huge honor. However, someone I love very much, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are, babe!) has been telling everyone that I'm graduating "Some Come Loudly". And the truly funny part about this is that he has yet to realize the potentially pornographic undertones of his proud, mispronounced declaration.

So, in other words, my husband (couldn't stop myself, honey) has been announcing to everyone that I--along with every other senior in my university who has a GPA of 3.9 or higher--am...ummm...how should I say this?...superfluously vociferous in the boudoir.

Please excuse me while I laugh hysterically and turn a bright shade of red.

This is Your Brain on AMCAS

Recently, I got to go out with a few classmates, most of whom are, like me, still in the middle of the medical school application season (Hurray!). After spending (very little) time with these people, I realized this: we are obsessed. And not just normal-obsessed. We are, without a doubt, atrociously tormented, bedeviled, taken over, captivated, possessed, consumed, fixated, haunted (You get the idea, I hope) by this admission process.

You see, on this relatively rare trip outside of school to just 'relax' together (Uh huh...), all we could talk about was applying. And, the truly sad thing is that while I was listening to everyone give their encouragement to everyone else ("Oh, you're certainly going to get in!" "Wow, what an MCAT score!" "With your personality, they're going to love you at your interviews!" "What fantastic extracurriculars!") it was painfully obvious that they were really thinking something entirely different ("I hate you." "I'm SO much more qualified than you!" "I hope you fall on your face multiple times during all of your interviews." "God, please. I don't want to work at McDonald's after all of this." "If you get in and I don't, I will throw myself in front of a bus...").

Why would people behave this way? What makes us so competitive and taken over? WHY DO WE BEHAVE LIKE WE DO? I think I may have an answer: the application beast has completely taken control of and become embedded in our pre-med minds. What does this monster do? Please allow me to present my hypothesis to you at this time.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your brain on AMCAS.




1. The Frontal Lobe. This is where processes like organizing, planning, and fore-thought take place. The executive functions, if you will...the decision making. For example, let's look more closely at the self-dialogue that may be involved in the planning of a normal person's (that is, a non-premed student's) typical Saturday: "Wow. What a beautiful morning! Alright, I'm gonna get lots done. I think that I will start with a great breakfast, then go shopping. When I get home...I should do some chores around here. OK, I need to mow the lawn and clean up the house a bit. Hmmm. That's fine, I'll still have plenty of time to run to the gym and catch the 9 o'clock showing of that movie I've been dying to see. After that, drinks with the friends!" (Please note: this is my guess at what goes on in a normal mind. I can't actually be certain because I am, in fact, a pre-med...and have not had a normal mind for years now.)

In contrast, here is an example of what might go on in the pre-med frontal lobe during a Saturday morning scheduling session (this I DO know about!): "i need to do so much i'm so tired but that doesn't matter THAT DOESN'T MATTER first i have to do seven sections of princeton review organic chemistry practice today i can't believe i have to take the MCAT again i better get above a 10 in every section I HAVE TO GET ABOVE A 10 then i still need to write up that physics lab report it's due monday oh god it's already almost monday and i have so much to do third i have to write those essays for that secondary i haven't mailed in yet OH GOD I'M NOT GOING TO GET IN i have to get in i better check my status on AMCAS but only after OH CRAP i forgot that i signed up to volunteer at the hospital today JEEEEEEEEZ that's going to cut into my study time i have to study for my immunology test OK monday i have immunology then i tutor organic chemistry then i've got biochemistry physiology molecular evolution physiology lab i've got to write up that physiology lab crap all my lab groups suck except Brett he works hard I bet he'll get in and i won't i can't think about that now i've had to pee for 2 hours i better go but when WHEN can i pee i need to shower NO TIME FOR A SHOWER fifth i have to see where that fourth letter of recommendation is i can't believe i'm 65th on that waitlist oh no was i on number six or seven f-word i forgot the order ok now i have to start over to make sure i'm not forgetting anything first i have to do seven sections of princeton review MCAT organic...WHAT IF I CAN'T GET AT LEAST A 10 god i'm tired..."

2. The Temporal Lobe. This is where the brain does incredible things like store memory and understand language. To the normal person, the temporal lobe may be filled with pleasant memories of family and friends, lyrics they can still sing by heart even after all these years, useful facts committed to memory, and life lessons learned.

The temporal lobe on AMCAS is a completely different storage area. Basically, this part of the pre-med brain is filled with nightmare statistics on medical school matriculation...leaving (of course) only enough room to remember those 9,765 organic and biochemistry mechanisms, those 7,392,846 physics equations, the metric-to-english-and-back-again conversion scales, a mile-long to-do list (assembled in true AMCAS-affected-frontal-lobe fashion, see part 1), and the statistics skills necessary to compute, to the nearest approximation, the likelihood of acceptance when considering any given combination of GPA and MCAT score. This lobe, my pre-med friends, is why we can't sleep at night.

3. The Brain Stem. The brain stem is the lower extension of the brain--where it connects to the spinal cord--and is in control of many vital processes. Neurological functions located in the brain stem include those necessary for survival and for arousal (no, not that kind of arousal, silly, I'm talking about being awake and alert. Is that Brut I smell?). Basically, in normal people, the brain stem maintains steady breathing, typical digestion, a consistent heart rate, and regular blood pressure.

This part of the brain is really disturbed when your brain is on AMCAS. I mean it, one word will MESS YOU UP. Just mention any of the following: AMCAS, applications, AAMC, admission, MCAT, interview, school, grades, etc. and all of those neurological functions go into a tailspin. Breathing steadily? Oh, no no no...you're hyperventilating, and there's nothing you can do about it. Digestion? Ha! The Nervous Poots and their accompanying stomach aches inevitably take over. A heart which usually beats consistently becomes irregular and feels like it's going to burst through your chest cavity. And, don't even get me started on what monstrous things happen to your blood pressure. In short: you're f 'ed.

4. The cerebellum. The cerebellum provides the body's balance and motor dexterity; it provides posture and coordination. This thing helps normal people dance, play sports, or exercise, and not fall over while doing so. For pre-meds, the cerebellum is not given much of a chance to function, however, because the body of a person whose brain is on AMCAS is, for the most part stuck at an an uncomfortable desk, in an uncomfortable chair, cramming things into its already-too-full temporal lobe (see above). Cerebellum function does come into play for us a bit, however, because something's got to keep us from falling out of our awful chairs...

5. The Occipital Lobe. This area, the most caudal portion of the cerebral cortex (he he--medical jargon, me likey!), is devoted to visual processing and color recognition. Normal people use the occipital lobe to do things like view a sunset while recognizing the sky's beautiful colors. The brain on AMCAS, however, probably hasn't experienced a sunset in years because it hasn't escaped the library before nightfall since high school. The occipital lobe is, however, used often by the pre-med because it allows us to read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. Sorry. I'll stop.

6. The Parietal Lobe. One of the functions of this area of the brain is to integrate sensory information from many parts of the body. The parietal lobe, for example, has the ability to sense touch (among many other things). So, normal people use their parietal lobes to do things like feel a breeze, appreciate a massage, tell the difference between different fabric textures...and feel all of the other things a body feels in response to touch (...easy, now. That IS Brut I smell, you pervert!). The brain on AMCAS, however, has a devastatingly atrophied parietal lobe because the body that is attached to the brain on AMCAS is, most likely, completely numb from the neck down. This is due to a combination of factors which include--but are not limited to--uncomfortable studying positions (see part 4) and the pre-med body's constant state of panic (see part 3).

These are just a few of the devastating effects AMCAS has on the brain. I beg you, if someone you love is on AMCAS, please help. If the above explanation of what AMCAS does to a healthy brain isn't enough to motivate your involvement, consider this: if left untreated, long-term exposure to AMCAS may cause a previously-normal individual to end up looking like this guy...or even worse.

Intervene, people. Intervene.

And I'll Spring Break No More

Hmmmmm. Spring break is now over. Tomorrow, at 8 a.m., I'll be back in Immunology, struggling to stay awake because my professor thinks it's a wonderful idea to turn all of the lights off so that we can see the power point presentation better. (As an aside: THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Trust me, we can already see your slides, which are only marginally helpful in the first place. Don't you wonder why we all sleep through lecture? Has no one told you we meet at 8 a.m.? Do you enjoy seeing 200 sleeping students at the start of your day? Do you even notice? OK. I'm finished writing questions to myself...now).

No more spring breaks. No more partying in Panama. No more getting ridiculously waisted mid-semester. No more flashing (What did you think I was going to put there? Sicko.) slobbering, overgrown boys in exchange for plastic beads that are worth about half a cent. No more...wait, I never did any of that anyway. My spring breaks have always been more like this. Moving on.

My point (if I'm even succeeding in making one) is that in years past, I've been very sad when spring break was over (bye bye, sleep!). The feeling I have this year is strange, however...it's joy. No more spring breaks! I know, I know. Everyone reading this (hi!) is probably thinking I'm crazy. And you'd all be right. But not because of this...stop judging me, please... I'm happy because college kids have spring break. And, the fact that I have now finished my last is just another hint that graduation is right around the corner (as if I was forgetting) and that the next phase in life is coming (finally). So, I'm actually looking forward to getting back to school tomorrow because the sooner I get there, the sooner I can leave forever.

Ahhhhh...the exquisite irony of it all...

The Phantom Zone

Well. I've been put on two waitlists in as many days...and one of these is from my first choice school. The waitlist. (Get a hobby? Is this article serious? "Oh, yes, Ms. Medical Applicant. We understand that we hold your future in our hands and as such we intend to stretch out our decision for as long as we legally can. You know what you should do while you're waiting to hear about your future? Take up wood widdling. That'll take the edge off." Just shoot me.) After waiting for two months (since the interviews in early January) this is what two schools have done to me. What cruel and unusual punishment.

Let's just break down the waitlist a bit, shall we? With a waitlist, the medical school is saying, "Well, you're basically alright by us, but we like these 64 other people just a little bit better...we're going to try and rope them in first. If they don't choose to come here, though, you're totally welcome!" Nothing like being someone's 65th choice. Jeez.

What am I supposed to do with this? I, like many people, have to move to go to medical school (you know, since no local schools have given me any attention at all...I'm not bitter or anything...) and what am I supposed to do while I'm on these freaking waitlists?! Wait! Just wait. That's all any of us in this position can do. I can't sell my house because of the terribly inconvenient fact that I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK FOR ANOTHER ONE! I can't get excited about the school I have been accepted to because I'm holding on to the the possibility that my number-one choice may actually get around to me some day.

I'm stuck. After all the hard work, all the sleepless nights, all the (blah, blah, blah...) ...these two admission committees have put me in the freakin' phantom zone of medical school admissions. I can't get out, no matter how hard I try. I'm at the mercy of them that put me here and they don't seem to be in any hurry to free me.

So, maybe I should do something. You know, be proactive (Knitting? Are you freaking serious?). That's right. I'm going to do what all the admissions books tell you to do. I'm going to (do what people always do when they can't really do ANYTHING about a situation:) write a letter. That will solve everything, right? I'm going to send these schools an update on how incredibly wonderful I am and how they should just accept me now (sounds good to me). I'm out of pride, I'll just go ahead and beg for release from Phantomland. Then, you know what they're going to do? They're going to tell me to wait.

Here's a (sad) recap of my academic life the last seven years:

Take advise from my academic advisor (BIG MISTAKE). Oh, did you actually want to graduate? You'll have to wait (because he told me to take the wrong classes...long story, but basically he cost me a couple of YEARS...)!

Transfer to a new university. Oh, did you want to prove yourself? You'll have to wait!

Take the MCAT. Oh, did you really want those results? You'll have to wait.

Apply to AMCAS. Oh, did you want the thing processed? You'll have to wait.

AMCAS is processed. Oh, did you want secondaries? You'll have to wait.

Submit secondaries (and fees). Oh, did you want interviews? You'll have to wait.

Get invited to interviews. When do you actually get to go? You'll have to wait.

Interview several times. Oh, you want the final decisions? You'll have to waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait.

Get accepted to one med school. Oh, did you need the other schools to decide on your application so that you can choose a school intelligently? You'll have to wait.

Get decisions from some of the other schools. Waitlisted?!? You'll just have to KEEP WAITING.

Hey, what am I going to do after all this ranting? What I've been doing for seven years, Pinky...