Sacrifice

I have had a truly heartbreaking couple of days and need to get some rest because my head is pounding (generally, if I cry a great deal, my head hurts). I just wanted to check in really quickly.

Let me just say this first of all: I thought that getting IN to medical school was the hard part (and it WAS hard) but in actuality, getting TO medical school is proving to be very taxing, too.

As you may know, I'm moving 300 miles from home to go to school. I'm leaving everything...but I always thought I could take my pet...

Four years ago, I rescued a German Shepard mix from the humane society and ever since then, I have loved him with my whole heart. He's smart and sweet and gentle and loyal...and he's so beautiful. He's strong when he has to be, too. He once protected me when a man was trying to break into my home--he scared him off! I found out this weekend, though, that I can't keep him. I'm now searching for a loving and safe home for him because he can no longer stay with me.

He's done nothing wrong, the problem is that my medical school housing will not allow me to keep him. I have to choose between medical school (because I can't afford to live anywhere else in the city) and keeping this pet whom I love so much. It's ripping my guts out, but I have to choose medical school, of course. I must go to medical school, I've worked too hard to NOT become a physician now (not to mention I've already taken out loans for the first year of med school...so I can officially not AFFORD to not be a physician!). That means I must say goodbye to one of the greatest friends I have ever known.

Basically, I'm heartbroken that I and my husband now have to give up this animal who we have adored for four years. My heart is aching and I can't stop crying. I keep imagining walking away from him and him whining, not understanding why we're leaving him. I keep thinking that he's going to wonder what he's done wrong...why we left him. It's killing me. I've not been this sad in a very long time. I just can't stop crying. I'm going to miss him so much and I'm having trouble coming to terms with this sudden event in my life. I'm so scared that we won't be able to find a suitable home for him. I love him so much and I always will.

When I prepared for med school and imagined the sacrifices--all that I would have to give up--I imagined moving away from everywhere I'd every known. I imagined missing my family. I imagined working hard and losing sleep...but I always assumed my precious dog would be by my side--or asleep under my desk while I study. He never leaves me. If I walk into another room in our house, he follows. He protects me and loves me and now...I'm losing him and I'm so sorry. I just held him tonight and cried and told him how sorry I am. It's my fault that he's going to be ripped from everyone he's ever known. It's my fault that he's going to have to go through such a change. I did this to him and it's killing me to know he'll suffer.

So, I've been grieving for a couple of days. Of course I'm going to medical school...but the sacrifices I'm making are taking me by surprise already--and med school doesn't even start for almost another three months. God help me...

A New Kind of Fear

The initial thrill of being accepted to my first-choice school is now over and I'm left with one emotion: fear.

I used to be afraid that I wouldn't get into medical school...now I'm afraid because I have gotten in! I know that probably seems really silly to anyone who's not gone through this, but it's true. I'm terrified. We're selling our home in order to move 6 hours away to a major metropolis. We've owned our home since we got married and now we're moving and going to rent a high rise apartment. That's a big change!

The thing that scares me is this: I know all of this change is because of me. My husband and I are selling the home that we love. We are leaving everyone we've ever known. My husband is leaving a great job with great benefits. We're uprooting our whole lives...and it's my fault. My fear is that we'll do all this, disrupt our entire lives, and then I'll get to medical school and not be smart enough. What a catastrophe that would be. I am terrified that I'm doing this to us for nothing. I don't know what I would do if I did that to us...to him (my husband). He's giving up everything so I can chase this dream. I don't want to let him down. That's all. That's my fear: failure.

The way I'm seeing myself through this terror is one day at a time. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, so to speak, and I'm going to do the best I can. In the worst case, if I do fail, I'll go down with a fight. I'll go down having tried something great, something worthwhile. That thought is comforting. The thought that I'm doing this afraid--that I'm not letting the fear stop me in my tracks.

The other thought that keeps surfacing in my mind is this: I'm only going to live once. Only one time. This is my chance to go to medical school. This is it. This may be my only chance to ever live in a big metropolis...how exciting! Looking at it that way, it's actually exciting. So, I'm trying to remember that this move and this school are not going to kill me. I'm going to be alive in 10 years...and the me in 10 years is going to thank the me from today for growing a pair and facing my fear. In that light, this time is absolutely exhilarating.

I hope that any of you who are also afraid can find some comfort in these words.