One Student Doctor's Thoughts

Time Goes By

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 05:40:00 +0000

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written. I am back! A lot has happened since I've written last, and I have a great deal of info to share with everyone. I'm now well into my first year of medical school--what a tremendous transition it is from undergrad!!! I have never been happier, though. It was tough at the beginning--something I'll find time to write about in more detail later. I have finally settled in to this wild new life of mine, so I will make time to write and share now. Sorry I've been gone so long....thanks for hanging around, though!

I'll be back VERY SOON. :)

Sacrifice

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 07:05:00 +0000

I have had a truly heartbreaking couple of days and need to get some rest because my head is pounding (generally, if I cry a great deal, my head hurts). I just wanted to check in really quickly.

Let me just say this first of all: I thought that getting IN to medical school was the hard part (and it WAS hard) but in actuality, getting TO medical school is proving to be very taxing, too.

As you may know, I'm moving 300 miles from home to go to school. I'm leaving everything...but I always thought I could take my pet...

Four years ago, I rescued a German Shepard mix from the humane society and ever since then, I have loved him with my whole heart. He's smart and sweet and gentle and loyal...and he's so beautiful. He's strong when he has to be, too. He once protected me when a man was trying to break into my home--he scared him off! I found out this weekend, though, that I can't keep him. I'm now searching for a loving and safe home for him because he can no longer stay with me.

He's done nothing wrong, the problem is that my medical school housing will not allow me to keep him. I have to choose between medical school (because I can't afford to live anywhere else in the city) and keeping this pet whom I love so much. It's ripping my guts out, but I have to choose medical school, of course. I must go to medical school, I've worked too hard to NOT become a physician now (not to mention I've already taken out loans for the first year of med school...so I can officially not AFFORD to not be a physician!). That means I must say goodbye to one of the greatest friends I have ever known.

Basically, I'm heartbroken that I and my husband now have to give up this animal who we have adored for four years. My heart is aching and I can't stop crying. I keep imagining walking away from him and him whining, not understanding why we're leaving him. I keep thinking that he's going to wonder what he's done wrong...why we left him. It's killing me. I've not been this sad in a very long time. I just can't stop crying. I'm going to miss him so much and I'm having trouble coming to terms with this sudden event in my life. I'm so scared that we won't be able to find a suitable home for him. I love him so much and I always will.

When I prepared for med school and imagined the sacrifices--all that I would have to give up--I imagined moving away from everywhere I'd every known. I imagined missing my family. I imagined working hard and losing sleep...but I always assumed my precious dog would be by my side--or asleep under my desk while I study. He never leaves me. If I walk into another room in our house, he follows. He protects me and loves me and now...I'm losing him and I'm so sorry. I just held him tonight and cried and told him how sorry I am. It's my fault that he's going to be ripped from everyone he's ever known. It's my fault that he's going to have to go through such a change. I did this to him and it's killing me to know he'll suffer.

So, I've been grieving for a couple of days. Of course I'm going to medical school...but the sacrifices I'm making are taking me by surprise already--and med school doesn't even start for almost another three months. God help me...

A New Kind of Fear

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 06:40:00 +0000

The initial thrill of being accepted to my first-choice school is now over and I'm left with one emotion: fear.

I used to be afraid that I wouldn't get into medical school...now I'm afraid because I have gotten in! I know that probably seems really silly to anyone who's not gone through this, but it's true. I'm terrified. We're selling our home in order to move 6 hours away to a major metropolis. We've owned our home since we got married and now we're moving and going to rent a high rise apartment. That's a big change!

The thing that scares me is this: I know all of this change is because of me. My husband and I are selling the home that we love. We are leaving everyone we've ever known. My husband is leaving a great job with great benefits. We're uprooting our whole lives...and it's my fault. My fear is that we'll do all this, disrupt our entire lives, and then I'll get to medical school and not be smart enough. What a catastrophe that would be. I am terrified that I'm doing this to us for nothing. I don't know what I would do if I did that to us...to him (my husband). He's giving up everything so I can chase this dream. I don't want to let him down. That's all. That's my fear: failure.

The way I'm seeing myself through this terror is one day at a time. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, so to speak, and I'm going to do the best I can. In the worst case, if I do fail, I'll go down with a fight. I'll go down having tried something great, something worthwhile. That thought is comforting. The thought that I'm doing this afraid--that I'm not letting the fear stop me in my tracks.

The other thought that keeps surfacing in my mind is this: I'm only going to live once. Only one time. This is my chance to go to medical school. This is it. This may be my only chance to ever live in a big metropolis...how exciting! Looking at it that way, it's actually exciting. So, I'm trying to remember that this move and this school are not going to kill me. I'm going to be alive in 10 years...and the me in 10 years is going to thank the me from today for growing a pair and facing my fear. In that light, this time is absolutely exhilarating.

I hope that any of you who are also afraid can find some comfort in these words.

Woo Again!!!

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sat, 26 May 2007 06:45:00 +0000

I am so excited, I can't even express. Today (my birthday!!) I got a call from the top school on my AMCAS list, one which I have been wait listed on since January. The call was from the dean of the medical school and she told me that I have been accepted!! I can't even believe it! And she called on my birthday!! Man, I can't believe it. I am so happy that I don't have to settle for a school I liked a lot less...this school is in a major metropolitan city and it's just amazing!! Now, I'm getting nervous about being in such an awesome environment... But it will be exciting. I can't believe I've been accepted there! Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello Again!

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Tue, 22 May 2007 07:37:00 +0000

Hey everyone! I am sorry I've been gone for so long. It's been a really crazy time! But, I am so happy to say that I have graduated!!!! I am a biologist and I can't believe it! Graduation was a surreal and wonderful day which I will never forget. As I trudge through this summer, I am working to sell my house and choose a medical school. And I'm trying to deal with the fear I feel about my upcoming entrance into medical school. I promise to have something more in depth regarding graduation and entrance into medical school soon. As for now, I just wanted to say hello to everyone and let you all know that I have not left, I'm just selling my house and moving! I will keep up with this blog much better now. Thanks!

Joy

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sat, 12 May 2007 04:07:00 +0000

I graduated!!! Wooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

In Memoriam

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 19:28:00 +0000

Virginia Tech is not my university, but after hearing the news of what has happened there and watching the convocation honoring the 32 innocent people who were killed yesterday, I feel such a connection with all of the students there and such overwhelming sympathy for the families directly impacted by these senseless killings that I want to offer my prayers and sincere wishes for as smooth a recovery as is possible after such an awful tragedy. I am sure that many students throughout the nation feel this connection by the very fact that we, too, are students. As a student at a university, I cannot imagine dealing with an illogical and unreasonable event like the one that has suddenly transformed your campus from a safe, beautiful home away from home to a horrible crime scene. I am so sorry that anyone is capable of such an act.

To the students and faculty at Virginia Tech: Students all across the country are with you--in spirit if not in person--and I hope that this may offer some level of comfort. I pray that all of you are somehow able to find peace that surpasses all expectations, love that supports you as you grieve, and strength that perseveres you throughout this entire ordeal.

With Sincerest Honor and Respect,
One Student

My Apologies...

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 02:38:00 +0000

Hello everyone. I just want to write a quick note to apologize for not writing anything for a while. I have just got so much to do that I haven't had a chance to post...but I will have something soon, I promise! Until then, all I have time to say is this: There are only 19 days until graduation! Woooooo!

Oh Yeah, It's Getting Hot in Here

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 05:01:00 +0000

It's crunch time, so I put together a little graduation countdown. I'd like to include it here for memory's sake. From now until the end of my undergraduate life, here are the statistics:

Number of research presentations I have to give at my state capital: 1
Number of lab reports left to generate: 3
Number of term papers to write that I have known about for months but which I have not yet started: 2
Number of panic attacks I'm sure I'll have regarding my aforementioned procrastination: 457102
Number of planned quizzes to take: 7
Number of pop quizzes to take: who knows? That's the nature of pop quizzes, silly!
Number of tests to take: 8
Number of organic chemistry classes to teach: 16
Number of finals to endure: 6
Number of days to graduation: 34
Number of times I'll worry about accidentally screwing everything up: 17293608272637

Excuse me...I feel one of those panic attacks coming on.

Now They Tell Me

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 04:59:00 +0000

I found this site with a lot of quick little quizzes and I thought I'd share some of my results:

What should you study?

I just thought I'd start with one that makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Are you running on adrenaline?

82%? Not 100%? Geeeeeeeez...I'll have to study and take this one again.

Are you cutthroat?

Um...next.

Are you a paranoid schizophrenic?

Taking the MCAT: $200.00

Applying to AMCAS: $475.00

Traveling to interviews: $1000.00

Having "Occasional paranoid moments" to escape reality... Priceless.

How skeptical are you? Hmmmm...I'm a skeptical, cutthroat, mildly paranoid schizophrenic...can I be your doctor?

What is the part of you that no one sees?

Wow...this one is actually frighteningly accurate.

What is your theme song?Sounds good to me!

And finally, for the greatest result of all (keep in mind I answered totally honestly), I give you:

Are you a good student?Crap. It's a little late to find this out now!

I Just Threw Up a Little

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 17:15:00 +0000

Alright...Sanjaya is just making this too easy...

One of Those Moments

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 19:40:00 +0000

I am a TA for a large organic chemistry class (157 students) at my university (I'll have to write about that someday. Basically, this means that I do all the work and the professor golfs...). Right now, I'm sitting in the Science Building, waiting for my class to arrive. They'll be here in about 15 minutes.

This has been a really hard day. I had (literally) 1 hour of sleep last night, an 8 a.m. Immunology exam, a 12 p.m. Molecular Evolution exam, 3 lectures in between those tests, numerous calls and e-mails from my students (because they learned today that there will be a quiz Friday), research to complete in between all this, and I feel like I've not had a single moment to breathe. Looking forward, I get anxious when I realize that I have 5 exams, 7 lab reports, 10 quizzes, two term papers, six finals, and a senior capstone research project (with accompanying oral presentation to be given at my state's capital) to complete in the next month before I can graduate. God help me.

But now, I am having one of those moments (and I'm really glad there's a computer here so I can capture this feeling)--a moment in all the busyness when I'm alone and can gather myself. The lights in this very large classroom are dimmed, the walls and floor are the earth-tone colors typically found in science buildings. The desks are lined up neatly; the room smells like coffee...I think there is a lounge next door... There are posters on the walls of photographs taken by the Hubble Telescope...they're incredible. The air conditioner is humming and making the room very comfortable in this unexpected March heat. The chair I'm sitting in is unusually relaxing; best of all, it's so very quiet. This moment feels unexpectedly surreal...I've spent so much time in this building--hours upon hours upon hours. Now, I'm 36 days from never coming here again. It's bittersweet because I do love my school...and it's so exciting that I feel like crying tears of joy and relief. I certainly can't explain why, but in this moment I've caught my breath and feel totally inspired to attack the rest of this semester enthusiastically.

What a difference 15 minutes can make.

Sleepless

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 01:34:00 +0000

I can't sleep. Throughout the night, I toss and turn...never quite finding comfort. You see, I just have so many burning questions in my mind that I can't shut down long enough to relax and actually fall asleep. I try to stop thinking about them, but they continue to keep me alert and in a state of quasi-panicked insomnia, no matter what I do.

The burning, poignant questions I speak of include some that are centered around my personal life, as follows:

"Have I done enough to prepare for medical school?"
"Will I get through the next 42 days without doing something stupid to mess up my own graduation?"
"Which medical school will I end up in?"
"Will my husband end up happy when we move?"
"Am I smart enough to take on the USMLE Steps?"
"How can I ever repay my family for what they've done for me?"
"Am I strong enough to overcome my overwhelming fear of failure?"
"How will I ever pay for tuition?"
"If something happened to me, would my family be alright?"

Beyond these self-centered questions are some which ponder the world as a whole:

"How long will we be at war?"
"Will the cure for cancer be found in my lifetime?"
"Why can't we feed the hungry, when we have so much surplus?"
"Will there ever truly be world peace?"

Yet, amidst all these intense questions, one query plagues me more than all the others. The issue is so unfathomable; the mystery so cruel that this--THIS enigma is the one that keeps me up later at night than the sum of all the others combined. The mere existence of this question proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is, in fact, no justice in this country. Yes, you may have guessed it already. The question burned into my mind is this:

In the name of all that is good and pure in this world, HOW DID THIS SQUIRMY LITTLE WEIRDO MAKE IT TO THE TOP 10?!?!?!

Does ANYBODY have a GOOD reason? If I hear that it's his hair one more time, I am seriously going to scream. I know it's not because he's handsome; looking at him makes me want to do this. And, no. He can't sing, so don't even try it. I look like this every time he opens his mouth.

Please, as someone who may save your life someday, I beg you: STOP VOTING FOR SANJAYA SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!

Summa Cum What Now?

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 03:29:00 +0000

So, right off the bat I must admit that I have grown quite accustomed to long-winded writing. However, today, I must get back to studying for a big Physiology exam I have this Monday. I really want to document this, though, because it's so funny (at least to me--and I hope to you, too). So, I'll make this short and sweet.

Last Tuesday, my university let me know that I would be graduating Summa Cum Laude [soom-uh koom lou-dey], which is a huge honor. However, someone I love very much, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are, babe!) has been telling everyone that I'm graduating "Some Come Loudly". And the truly funny part about this is that he has yet to realize the potentially pornographic undertones of his proud, mispronounced declaration.

So, in other words, my husband (couldn't stop myself, honey) has been announcing to everyone that I--along with every other senior in my university who has a GPA of 3.9 or higher--am...ummm...how should I say this?...superfluously vociferous in the boudoir.

Please excuse me while I laugh hysterically and turn a bright shade of red.

This is Your Brain on AMCAS

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 07:36:00 +0000

Recently, I got to go out with a few classmates, most of whom are, like me, still in the middle of the medical school application season (Hurray!). After spending (very little) time with these people, I realized this: we are obsessed. And not just normal-obsessed. We are, without a doubt, atrociously tormented, bedeviled, taken over, captivated, possessed, consumed, fixated, haunted (You get the idea, I hope) by this admission process.

You see, on this relatively rare trip outside of school to just 'relax' together (Uh huh...), all we could talk about was applying. And, the truly sad thing is that while I was listening to everyone give their encouragement to everyone else ("Oh, you're certainly going to get in!" "Wow, what an MCAT score!" "With your personality, they're going to love you at your interviews!" "What fantastic extracurriculars!") it was painfully obvious that they were really thinking something entirely different ("I hate you." "I'm SO much more qualified than you!" "I hope you fall on your face multiple times during all of your interviews." "God, please. I don't want to work at McDonald's after all of this." "If you get in and I don't, I will throw myself in front of a bus...").

Why would people behave this way? What makes us so competitive and taken over? WHY DO WE BEHAVE LIKE WE DO? I think I may have an answer: the application beast has completely taken control of and become embedded in our pre-med minds. What does this monster do? Please allow me to present my hypothesis to you at this time.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your brain on AMCAS.

1. The Frontal Lobe. This is where processes like organizing, planning, and fore-thought take place. The executive functions, if you will...the decision making. For example, let's look more closely at the self-dialogue that may be involved in the planning of a normal person's (that is, a non-premed student's) typical Saturday: "Wow. What a beautiful morning! Alright, I'm gonna get lots done. I think that I will start with a great breakfast, then go shopping. When I get home...I should do some chores around here. OK, I need to mow the lawn and clean up the house a bit. Hmmm. That's fine, I'll still have plenty of time to run to the gym and catch the 9 o'clock showing of that movie I've been dying to see. After that, drinks with the friends!" (Please note: this is my guess at what goes on in a normal mind. I can't actually be certain because I am, in fact, a pre-med...and have not had a normal mind for years now.)

In contrast, here is an example of what might go on in the pre-med frontal lobe during a Saturday morning scheduling session (this I DO know about!): "i need to do so much i'm so tired but that doesn't matter THAT DOESN'T MATTER first i have to do seven sections of princeton review organic chemistry practice today i can't believe i have to take the MCAT again i better get above a 10 in every section I HAVE TO GET ABOVE A 10 then i still need to write up that physics lab report it's due monday oh god it's already almost monday and i have so much to do third i have to write those essays for that secondary i haven't mailed in yet OH GOD I'M NOT GOING TO GET IN i have to get in i better check my status on AMCAS but only after OH CRAP i forgot that i signed up to volunteer at the hospital today JEEEEEEEEZ that's going to cut into my study time i have to study for my immunology test OK monday i have immunology then i tutor organic chemistry then i've got biochemistry physiology molecular evolution physiology lab i've got to write up that physiology lab crap all my lab groups suck except Brett he works hard I bet he'll get in and i won't i can't think about that now i've had to pee for 2 hours i better go but when WHEN can i pee i need to shower NO TIME FOR A SHOWER fifth i have to see where that fourth letter of recommendation is i can't believe i'm 65th on that waitlist oh no was i on number six or seven f-word i forgot the order ok now i have to start over to make sure i'm not forgetting anything first i have to do seven sections of princeton review MCAT organic...WHAT IF I CAN'T GET AT LEAST A 10 god i'm tired..."

2. The Temporal Lobe. This is where the brain does incredible things like store memory and understand language. To the normal person, the temporal lobe may be filled with pleasant memories of family and friends, lyrics they can still sing by heart even after all these years, useful facts committed to memory, and life lessons learned.

The temporal lobe on AMCAS is a completely different storage area. Basically, this part of the pre-med brain is filled with nightmare statistics on medical school matriculation...leaving (of course) only enough room to remember those 9,765 organic and biochemistry mechanisms, those 7,392,846 physics equations, the metric-to-english-and-back-again conversion scales, a mile-long to-do list (assembled in true AMCAS-affected-frontal-lobe fashion, see part 1), and the statistics skills necessary to compute, to the nearest approximation, the likelihood of acceptance when considering any given combination of GPA and MCAT score. This lobe, my pre-med friends, is why we can't sleep at night.

3. The Brain Stem. The brain stem is the lower extension of the brain--where it connects to the spinal cord--and is in control of many vital processes. Neurological functions located in the brain stem include those necessary for survival and for arousal (no, not that kind of arousal, silly, I'm talking about being awake and alert. Is that Brut I smell?). Basically, in normal people, the brain stem maintains steady breathing, typical digestion, a consistent heart rate, and regular blood pressure.

This part of the brain is really disturbed when your brain is on AMCAS. I mean it, one word will MESS YOU UP. Just mention any of the following: AMCAS, applications, AAMC, admission, MCAT, interview, school, grades, etc. and all of those neurological functions go into a tailspin. Breathing steadily? Oh, no no no...you're hyperventilating, and there's nothing you can do about it. Digestion? Ha! The Nervous Poots and their accompanying stomach aches inevitably take over. A heart which usually beats consistently becomes irregular and feels like it's going to burst through your chest cavity. And, don't even get me started on what monstrous things happen to your blood pressure. In short: you're f 'ed.

4. The cerebellum. The cerebellum provides the body's balance and motor dexterity; it provides posture and coordination. This thing helps normal people dance, play sports, or exercise, and not fall over while doing so. For pre-meds, the cerebellum is not given much of a chance to function, however, because the body of a person whose brain is on AMCAS is, for the most part stuck at an an uncomfortable desk, in an uncomfortable chair, cramming things into its already-too-full temporal lobe (see above). Cerebellum function does come into play for us a bit, however, because something's got to keep us from falling out of our awful chairs...

5. The Occipital Lobe. This area, the most caudal portion of the cerebral cortex (he he--medical jargon, me likey!), is devoted to visual processing and color recognition. Normal people use the occipital lobe to do things like view a sunset while recognizing the sky's beautiful colors. The brain on AMCAS, however, probably hasn't experienced a sunset in years because it hasn't escaped the library before nightfall since high school. The occipital lobe is, however, used often by the pre-med because it allows us to read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. And read. Sorry. I'll stop.

6. The Parietal Lobe. One of the functions of this area of the brain is to integrate sensory information from many parts of the body. The parietal lobe, for example, has the ability to sense touch (among many other things). So, normal people use their parietal lobes to do things like feel a breeze, appreciate a massage, tell the difference between different fabric textures...and feel all of the other things a body feels in response to touch (...easy, now. That IS Brut I smell, you pervert!). The brain on AMCAS, however, has a devastatingly atrophied parietal lobe because the body that is attached to the brain on AMCAS is, most likely, completely numb from the neck down. This is due to a combination of factors which include--but are not limited to--uncomfortable studying positions (see part 4) and the pre-med body's constant state of panic (see part 3).

These are just a few of the devastating effects AMCAS has on the brain. I beg you, if someone you love is on AMCAS, please help. If the above explanation of what AMCAS does to a healthy brain isn't enough to motivate your involvement, consider this: if left untreated, long-term exposure to AMCAS may cause a previously-normal individual to end up looking like this guy...or even worse.

Intervene, people. Intervene.

And I'll Spring Break No More

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 01:34:00 +0000

Hmmmmm. Spring break is now over. Tomorrow, at 8 a.m., I'll be back in Immunology, struggling to stay awake because my professor thinks it's a wonderful idea to turn all of the lights off so that we can see the power point presentation better. (As an aside: THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. Trust me, we can already see your slides, which are only marginally helpful in the first place. Don't you wonder why we all sleep through lecture? Has no one told you we meet at 8 a.m.? Do you enjoy seeing 200 sleeping students at the start of your day? Do you even notice? OK. I'm finished writing questions to myself...now).

No more spring breaks. No more partying in Panama. No more getting ridiculously waisted mid-semester. No more flashing (What did you think I was going to put there? Sicko.) slobbering, overgrown boys in exchange for plastic beads that are worth about half a cent. No more...wait, I never did any of that anyway. My spring breaks have always been more like this. Moving on.

My point (if I'm even succeeding in making one) is that in years past, I've been very sad when spring break was over (bye bye, sleep!). The feeling I have this year is strange, however...it's joy. No more spring breaks! I know, I know. Everyone reading this (hi!) is probably thinking I'm crazy. And you'd all be right. But not because of this...stop judging me, please... I'm happy because college kids have spring break. And, the fact that I have now finished my last is just another hint that graduation is right around the corner (as if I was forgetting) and that the next phase in life is coming (finally). So, I'm actually looking forward to getting back to school tomorrow because the sooner I get there, the sooner I can leave forever.

Ahhhhh...the exquisite irony of it all...

The Phantom Zone

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 21:14:00 +0000

Well. I've been put on two waitlists in as many days...and one of these is from my first choice school. The waitlist. (Get a hobby? Is this article serious? "Oh, yes, Ms. Medical Applicant. We understand that we hold your future in our hands and as such we intend to stretch out our decision for as long as we legally can. You know what you should do while you're waiting to hear about your future? Take up wood widdling. That'll take the edge off." Just shoot me.) After waiting for two months (since the interviews in early January) this is what two schools have done to me. What cruel and unusual punishment.

Let's just break down the waitlist a bit, shall we? With a waitlist, the medical school is saying, "Well, you're basically alright by us, but we like these 64 other people just a little bit better...we're going to try and rope them in first. If they don't choose to come here, though, you're totally welcome!" Nothing like being someone's 65th choice. Jeez.

What am I supposed to do with this? I, like many people, have to move to go to medical school (you know, since no local schools have given me any attention at all...I'm not bitter or anything...) and what am I supposed to do while I'm on these freaking waitlists?! Wait! Just wait. That's all any of us in this position can do. I can't sell my house because of the terribly inconvenient fact that I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK FOR ANOTHER ONE! I can't get excited about the school I have been accepted to because I'm holding on to the the possibility that my number-one choice may actually get around to me some day.

I'm stuck. After all the hard work, all the sleepless nights, all the (blah, blah, blah...) ...these two admission committees have put me in the freakin' phantom zone of medical school admissions. I can't get out, no matter how hard I try. I'm at the mercy of them that put me here and they don't seem to be in any hurry to free me.

So, maybe I should do something. You know, be proactive (Knitting? Are you freaking serious?). That's right. I'm going to do what all the admissions books tell you to do. I'm going to (do what people always do when they can't really do ANYTHING about a situation:) write a letter. That will solve everything, right? I'm going to send these schools an update on how incredibly wonderful I am and how they should just accept me now (sounds good to me). I'm out of pride, I'll just go ahead and beg for release from Phantomland. Then, you know what they're going to do? They're going to tell me to wait.

Here's a (sad) recap of my academic life the last seven years:

Take advise from my academic advisor (BIG MISTAKE). Oh, did you actually want to graduate? You'll have to wait (because he told me to take the wrong classes...long story, but basically he cost me a couple of YEARS...)!

Transfer to a new university. Oh, did you want to prove yourself? You'll have to wait!

Take the MCAT. Oh, did you really want those results? You'll have to wait.

Apply to AMCAS. Oh, did you want the thing processed? You'll have to wait.

AMCAS is processed. Oh, did you want secondaries? You'll have to wait.

Submit secondaries (and fees). Oh, did you want interviews? You'll have to wait.

Get invited to interviews. When do you actually get to go? You'll have to wait.

Interview several times. Oh, you want the final decisions? You'll have to waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait.

Get accepted to one med school. Oh, did you need the other schools to decide on your application so that you can choose a school intelligently? You'll have to wait.

Get decisions from some of the other schools. Waitlisted?!? You'll just have to KEEP WAITING.

Hey, what am I going to do after all this ranting? What I've been doing for seven years, Pinky...

Thank You

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 04:51:00 +0000

I have the most unbelievably awesome family ever. I've written before about my husband and my father, but I also have an incredible mother and brother which I haven't had a chance to write about yet. In short, my mom is one of those women who prove you CAN have it all: she's a hard-working and devoted wife, a supportive and thoughtful mother, a greatly-loving sister and daughter, and a powerful corporate executive. She's beautiful, intelligent, and a great role model. She does all this and more and still manages to look like she's in her early 30's--people usually think we're sisters! My brother, too, is the best anyone could ask for. He's handsome and hilarious and wildly talented at eclectic things from guitar to math. He's one of my favorite people in the world to spend time with--one of my best friends. Basically, like I said, I have the most amazing family anyone could dream of. These people, my mom, dad, brother, and husband, are my family and my four best friends. And, they've put up with a lot having a daughter/sister/wife that's so wrapped up in medicine--and I'm not even talking about the financial burden (yet)!

This post is dedicated to family members of pre-medical students. I would like to say, "thank you" for what you do for us on a regular basis. I know that we (I) sometimes act strangely and I'd like to explain some of our (my) odd and seemingly off-the-wall-behavior.

When we come home from school and don't want to talk about it, it's not that anything devastating happened that day. It's also not that we don't want you to know what's going on in our academic lives. It's just that school completely occupies our minds day-in and day-out and, sometimes, we just want a couple of minutes in which we don't have to speak of/think about/acknowledge the existence of our universities.

When we are outraged over a B or (God forbid) a C on an exam, and we get aggravated because you tell us about how most people would love to just pass, we're not trying to be hateful. We simply know this. However, this thought is not comforting to us because we've made it as far as we have by not behaving like others; by not settling for just passing. So, we're not really wanting you to feel sorry for us at these points. Usually, we're just angry at ourselves for not doing as well as we know we could have and we just need to let it all out for a moment around someone with whom we feel safe.

Please, when we come home speaking of things like rhodopsin, dehydrogenase mechanisms, and molecular recombination, please humor us. Sometimes we forget that everyone is not a science enthusiast (AKA science nerd). We don't mean to bore you and we're definitely not trying to sound superior; we just learn things that sometimes excite us (because we are, in fact, proud science nerds) and, since we love you so much, we want to share those things with you.

When it seems like all we talk about are the entrance statistics of medical school matriculation, the drop rate for organic chemistry, our percentile on the MCAT, or the difficulty level of our physics courses, we're not trying to brag, I promise (well, most of us aren't...). We're really just terrified of these facts and we want to share them with you so that you know what we're up against. That way, in the end, if we make it, you'll be that much more proud of us. And, if we don't make it, you'll be that much more understanding of the effort it took to even try.

When we lock ourselves in a room, excuse ourselves from the party early, leave your homes after just getting there, or do any other act that is generally understood to be anti-social, it is NOT that we don't want to be with you. No, no. Please don't think that. We really do simply have that much pressure on us to get back to work. So, please understand that we love you and we'd really rather be with you, but at those moments, we absolutely must work. It's not our first choice, it's our obligation.

What this all boils down to is this: the families and friends of pre-med students deserve special thanks. Speaking to those families and friends: we pre-meds know that you all put up with some strange and sometimes alienating behavior. We also know it's not easy to love someone that's always preoccupied, busy, and tired. If I may speak on behalf of most of the pre-meds that I know, I would all like to thank you for supporting us.

To my family: thank you for always believing in me, making me feel like I could do this, and giving me the confidence to get up everyday and face the odds that I have faced. I know that without you, I'd be nothing like I am today. Thank you for supporting me and I can't wait until the day that I am able to repay you!

Endurance

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 03:22:00 +0000

If you are reading this pre-med/medical school blog (thanks!), then you probably fall into one of a small number of categories (I know, this is a gross generalization, but please hang with me for a moment). And to you, whomever you are, I would like to send encouragement based upon the category in which you find yourself. (Basically, what I'm saying is this: I'm freaking out lately and so I'm going to dish out some good stuff and hope I get a little back. He he. Sneaky, huh?)

Perhaps you are in high school, dreaming of (or maybe just considering) a career in medicine. Well, the best advice I can give you is to develop very thick skin. Lots of people are going to tell you that you are out of your league, no matter who you are, because the goal seems so lofty that many people dismiss it automatically; they think "I'm going to be a doctor" is just something students say. I am proof, however, that it can be done...and I have had more than my fair share of set backs (thankfully, I got the endurance gene from my parents!). The point I'm trying to make is this: you set your mind and keep it set--work (work hard), begin volunteering and accumulating medical experience NOW (don't dare wait until junior year of undergraduate), begin studying for the MCAT NOW. Prove to yourself and everyone else that you've got what it takes. It can be done, but you're the only one who can do it for yourself--the ball is in your court. This is awesome, though, because if you're really serious about this, you probably thrive on being in control (as much control as can be feigned in this process)! Look undergrad, the MCAT, prerequisites, volunteering, sleepless nights, panic attacks over physics and biochemistry (trust me), AMCAS applications, secondaries, interviews, and every other nasty weeding-out process in the face and say, "Bring it on!" Then, take a shot to calm down; this is a long process. (Wait, I almost forgot--you're in highschool. Scratch that. Under-aged drinking is BAD...and shame on you for considering it!)

Maybe you're in undergrad and you've endured a couple of years of study and you're sure that medicine is, in fact, what you want to do (congratulations; deciding is a major part of the battle!). You've done all this but you're time has not yet come to apply. I want to tell you this: hang in there, my friend! I know it seems like the MCAT, physics, organic, and AMCAS will never be behind you, but I promise that you'll turn around very soon and be on the other side of all of that mess. Acceptance and graduation are closer then they appear. Good luck, best wishes, and stay strong! (And you are of age, so...)

Perhaps you are like me--you've been accepted and you're just trying to endure until graduation. Whew. I know this phase is a special kind of exhausting (aren't they all! Oh, God. I feel another "Imsuchasciencenerd" moment coming on. Yup: Hey, how long can the body function on lactic acid alone? Sorry, I couldn't stop myself...but I should have...), and I was searching for some encouragement because I've had a really hard week. I think something we need to do is this: remember what we're done with. I am so tired, and I bet you are, too, because this experience is the same all over. Remembering what we don't have to do anymore (Ummmm...the MCAT comes to mind...) can help make what we still have to do a little more bearable. So, let's not let this semester beat us! Let's allow this time to chisel us into better learners and better doctors. Let's have that word, "endurance", take on a whole new, more real, meaning for us. And, most importantly, let's remember that THERE'S ONLY TWO MONTHS UNTIL GRADUATION!

If you are a medical student, I'm afraid that I'm not quite sure how to encourage you yet, because I still have a few months until medical school begins for me and I get that first-hand experience. However, I do know a few of you and I would like to remind you that you're role models, examples, and inspirations for thousands upon thousands of pre-meds who wildly desire to be in your place some day. I know it's really tough, but remember the times you worked so hard and begged for a spot in medical school? Well, you did it! You set a goal and met it! (Please don't say, "Careful what you wish for"; I have to believe that it's not that bad right now!) You're literally tomorrow's researchers and practitioners. You're going to be independently wealthy, unbelievably employable everywhere you go, and very important parts of any community. You're wonderfully talented and brilliant (well...some of you...) and you're true heroes! Congratulations on the awesome professionals you're becoming.

Well, guys, I hope this encourages you, in whatever position you find yourself!

Hyperpissed, Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 16:46:00 +0000

Here's the deal. I've had several very frustrating and/or unfair and/or completely ridiculous situations arise lately. And, rather then make them all separate posts, I've decided to compile them all into one big rant (that way, I will hopefully not seem like I complain ALL THE TIME...but, rather, just some of the time, which is healthy, right? Hello?). Further, I've titled this "Part 1" because I'm certain this condition will arise again given my stressful career choice...but my decision making skills aren't the topic (for now). So here are the causes of my hyperpissed state of mind:

1: Boring, unnecessary lectures.
If you've ever gone to any school, you know what this situation is all about and you get how badly it sucks. For example, as a future doctor, can anyone please explain to me why my university felt it necessary for me to spend a semester of my undergraduate life learning the reproductive cycles of conifers? (Why would you click on that link? I told you it's useless for we medical folk, silly! I'll forgive your plant-loving behind if you noticed that it is actually a viral reproduction cycle that is shown, though.)

2: I just wanted my friggin' transcript. Morons.
Basically, I found out about a very large scholarship two days before the deadline to apply. So, since I definitely don't have the cash to just pay for medical school, I spent one whole day (and night) writing the amazingly large amount of essays required. The next day, I went to all three of my undergraduate schools (I've had to move around a lot) to get my transcripts. The first two universities had no problem printing me a transcript right then and there. They both told me that this wasn't their normal policy, but after I explained the scholarship deadline, they told me they'd make an exception. And it really was no big freaking deal. Just press print, right? WRONG. Here's what transpired at the third school:

Me: "Hello, I would like to get a copy of my transcript, please."
Useless student clone at the window: "Sure, it will be ready in about 5 days. Sign this release."
Me: "Well, I know that's the usual wait, but... (here I explain about the scholarship. I'll spare you.) Blah, blah, blah...I'm willing to pay extra for the rush, but I really have to have that transcript today."
Useless student clone at the window: "We can't print any transcripts until 9 p.m. Not 'til 9 o'clock. If you pay $10 today, you can pick up your transcript the day after tomorrow."
Me: "That's two 9 p.m.'s from now."
Useless student clone at the window (with a vacant look on her face): "Huh...?"
Me: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?"

At this point, clone-girl leaves (slowly) and gets an older, more professional-looking woman (enter the trivial liar). I thought I may be able to get somewhere with this person. I thought wrong. Way, ridiculously, completely, obscenely wrong.

Trivial liar: "What do you want?"
Me: "I just want my transcript..." (Insert second scholarship explanation here.)
Trivial liar: "We don't print nothin' 'til 9 p.m."
Me: "I heard a rumor about that."
Trivial liar: "So, pay $10 and come back on the day after tomorrow."
Me (pretty flippin' aggravated): "No, I can't come back the day after tomorrow. I have a deadline. Your inability to print before 9 p.m. could cost me a lot of scholarship money."
Trivial liar (with fake sincerity): "Well, I couldn't even print if I wanted to because we don't even print transcripts here. We get it done somewhere else and they get shipped in."
Me: "You're expecting me to believe that this registrar's office doesn't print its own transcripts?"
Trivial liar: "Yes."
Me: "Well, then, let's say for a moment that I believe you. Could you tell me where that 'somewhere else' is and I'll just go there and ask them to print it now."
Trivial liar: "You can't go there...um...because I don't know where it is."
Me (not buying it): "Who does know where it is?"
Trivial liar: "No body that's here."
Me: "So, not only does this registrar's office not print its own transcripts, but also no one here knows where the phantom transcript printer is."
Trivial liar: "Well...we sort of know that it's the IT department..."
Me: "So, now your story is that the IT department prints transcripts."
Trivial liar: "Right."
Me: "Do the cafeteria workers do tech support?"
Trivial liar: ... (No response; I don't think she got the joke. Shocking.)
Me: "Fine. So, where's the IT department then?"
Trivial liar: "I don't know."
Me: "Fine. Someone on this campus knows where the IT department is. I'll find it."
Trivial liar: "Don't waste your time because they're a dead end. They won't do it for you."
Me: "How do you know they're a dead end if you don't even know where they are?!?"
Trivial liar (with MAJOR attitude): "Oh, that's right. I don't know anything. I'm just a worker-bee!"
Me: "You're not a supervisor?!?"

Then, this very large man steps up.

Me (pointing to the big guy): "Is that the actual supervisor?"
Trivial liar: "Yes."
Me: "Then he's who the first girl was supposed to get!"
Trivial liar: "We don't ever REALLY get the supervisor..."
Me: "Oh, my God."

The big guy steps in. He's actually the only one who was even vaguely helpful.

Big guy: "How can I help you."
Me: (I tell the scholarship story yet again.)
Big guy: "Oh, I understand. Let me get the woman who can help you."

What a great idea. Big guy leaves and gets the person who's actually in charge of the transcripts--and she's the sourest, most hateful old woman I have ever spoken with in my life (enter the crabby old hag).

Crabby old hag: "What?"
Me: (I tell the scholarship story for the FOURTH time.)
Crabby old hag: "We don't print them here, there is nothing I could do, even if I wanted to."
Me: "So, tell me where they do print them and I will go there!"
Crabby old hag: "I don't know where they are."

We go at this, arguing over the logic of a registrar's office that is unable to print transcripts, for nearly twenty minutes. Finally, this is what happened:

Crabby old hag: "Well, this wouldn't have ever happened if you had just known about the scholarship. You could have came a few days ago and not had to cause a scene."
Me (after I stared that witch down for a few seconds, I had finally had enough...I pulled the medical school card): "How many students from this college do you think got into medical school this year?" (I happened to have known that I was the only one--it's a very, very small community college). "I'll just go tell the dean that I'm the one medical school matriculant from this school and ask him where I could get a transcript. I know right where his office is!"

Crabby old hag then sighed dramatically and reached over (it was an arm's length away the entire time!) and hit print on the printer that was RIGHT THERE. I got my transcript and left.

Now, I ask you: what in the hell was so hard about hitting print? These ridiculous people got paid to argue with me for an hour when all they had to do was hit a freaking button! It's bad enough, by the way, that we have to pay for transcripts at all. God knows students pay thousands and thousands of dollars in tuition--you'd think all that money could cover one piece of watermark paper and a seal when one of us needs a transcript! God help me...my blood pressure's elevated just thinking about this ordeal.

3: There are just not enough students failing.
I am in a very difficult, 400 level biochemistry course which is one of the hardest classes I've ever had. The teacher is the chair of the chemistry department and, therefore, he can basically do whatever he wants. Well, the other day the professor makes this announcement: "I have discovered that there are just not enough people failing the course this year. So, I've decided to change the grading scale. Now the scale is 94%=A, 88%=B, etc." So now, in this wildly hard class, you have to get an 82% just to pass with a C. I just don't even know what to say about this. I have no idea what kind of crack this guys is on, but the class has decreased by at least 50% since the beginning. How many students is he trying to fail? 75%? 85%? How many seniors have to not graduate for this guy to feel like he's done a good job?

On the logical side of this argument...isn't the syllabus supposed to be sort of a contract? The professor outlines the rules and scale and policies and, therefore, the student knows what to expect from the teacher and what the teacher expects from him or her. This teacher of mine is just unreal because he's changed the contract midstream, with no warning.

On the philosophical side of my argument...I understand that there must be a weeding-out process involved in this level of education. OK. I've got that--I've lived it and still have nightmares about it. But, by 4th year, when the MCAT, Organic Chemistry, Physics, and every other pre-med hurdle is behind us, why can't the professors just try and TEACH for once before our undergraduate career is over? Those of us that are left may actually appreciate learning a little bit more before we venture off to our respective graduate schools.

4: Group work
"Group work". The freaking name of this activity is a lie. The group doesn't work. One person works (usually the one who is most concerned about getting good grades because he or she has plans to go to graduate school and that grad school application is constantly on his or her mind)...the other people sit there. I'm quite tired of being the working one. So, group...WORK. I'm so freaking tired of being the reason that you're all getting A's.

5: Come on, it's 2007!
Let me just make something clear, boys: I am not impressed that your daddy gave you a Y chromosome (Excuse me while I have an "Iamsuchasciencenerd" moment: did you know that the Y chromosome is the result of degenerative molecular evolution? Yup. Just sat through that lecture...)and that at some point in your development you sprouted a penis. This took no mental aptitude on your part and, as far as I'm concerned, this entitles you to no special treatment, extra pay, or unearned respect. Do you want my respect? Be kind, be knowledgeable, and be of great character. I don't judge you by what is or is not between your legs...and I'm completely tired of the few of you who do judge me by that criterion.

I don't think that men should be treated worse than women; that's not what I mean at all. I just think the time has come that people be judged on their character, intelligence, talent, etc. and not on their physical attributes like gender, size, race, religion, or anything of the sort. Here's some recent conversations that I have had with some guys that think they're better than me just because they're male.

Dumbass: "Did you hear about that couple from church who took the woman's last name after they got married! How weird!"
Me: "I don't think there is anything wrong with a couple taking the bride's name after marriage. I don't see why it has to automatically be the groom's name that is taken."
Dumbass: "It's never OK for a man to take a woman's name. It's like he's taking the woman's role or something."
Me (with great restraint): "What if the man's family were all idiots or criminals or people with whom the new couple just didn't want to be automatically associated? Or, what if both of the people in the couple just liked the woman's name better? It's not a sign of having no masculinity or anything like that. It's just a decision that two adults make together. And, I don't see how it's fundamentally any different than a woman taking her groom's name. The point is that they are SHARING a name, symbolizing the fact that they're now familiy."
Dumbass: "Well, if any of those things were the case, then the groom should say that he's taking the bride's father's name, not the brides name."
Me (absolutely livid): "Why would that make a difference?"
Dumbass: "Then the man's not taking the woman's role. He's just taking another man's name. That way, he's not giving his own identity up to the woman."
Me: "But, if you see changing your last name as giving up your identity (which I don't), then you think it's alright for the woman to give up her identity to the man?"
Dumbass: "Yes. That's her role. That's the way it should be."

At this point in the conversation, I had to leave because I was going to call this jerk a lot of things that would not be easily forgiven (and for some reason I value his friendship). Let me address his comments here, since I have (marginally) calmed down.

The woman's role. This was my friend's big point: the groom can't take the woman's role. Well, dumbass, can you define a woman's role for me, since this is 2007? Women are doctors (hello!), other professionals, and the chief money-makers in many families. Some women are strong, brave, intelligent and can fulfill EVERY role--just like some men are strong, brave, intelligent and can fulfill every role. I suggest to you, dumbass, and to those like you, that you start treating men and women equally since it is an absolutely undeniable fact that men and women now have equal responsibilities.

Let me set one more thing straight again before I go on. I am in no way saying that women deserve special treatment. I'm not one of those feminazis that screams for equal treatment and then expects to actually be treated better than men (or just have all the men killed). No. Equal is equal and that's what I'm talking about. To follow the example above, I'm not saying that a woman shouldn't take a man's name (after my husband and I discussed it and considered taking my name, I actually took my husbands!), I'm just saying that it shouldn't be unheard of that the man take the woman's name. The two options should be equally understandable.

Here's another recent conversation that just pissed me right off:

Dumbass #2: "Did you get into medical school?"
Me: "Yes, I'm really excited."
Dumbass #2: "Well, I got rejected from all of the medical schools that I applied to. I'm sure the only reason you got in is because you're a girl."

Again, please let me address this guy's comments here: What?!? I took the same classes as you in the same school as you. I took the same MCAT you did and I applied to the same schools in the same year. I didn't get to take an easier Physics course because I'm sans penis. My lack of testicles didn't aid in my understanding of Organic Chemistry. Let me tell you this: I got in because I outperformed you. Get it straight and get over it. Better luck next year.

Alright. I know that last paragraph sounded harsh. But, this guy completely diminished everything I've work for--his point was that I'm not accomplished, I'm simply being given a position because I have a vagina--and so, I felt justified in my above rant.

Also, I want to make sure that I don't sound like I consider this an enormous problem today, because I find that among reasonably-logical people, women are certainly treated equally for the most part. There are these little innuendos, however, that keep popping up their ugly, antiquated little heads...so this topic definitely made my gripe fest.

I'm simply talking about fair judgement. If you are faster than me, smarter than me, better than me, or more able to handle a situation than I am, then I'm happy to stand aside and let you shine--regardless of your sex, race, religion, height, weight...or any other random attribute you may have that makes you different from me. I'm just asking for that same respect. And, like I said, this usually happens, but I'm just sick of the few that keep bringing their stupid points up. Speaking of stupid points:

Dumb ass #3: "Did you get your taxes done today?"
Me: "Yup."
Dumb ass #3: "Were you OK with being the secondary?"
Me: "Sure, my husband makes most the money right now. But, you know what? They didn't even ask who we wanted on the first line. They just automatically made my husband the primary and made me secondary. Don't you think they should at least ask us?"
Dumb ass #3: "What are you talking about?"
Me: "Well, I mean, it didn't even occur to the accountant--who was even a woman, by the way--to ask us who we wanted to be the primary. She said it's always the man. I'm just saying that when I'm making six figures in a few years, I just think that it's not ridiculous to expect that I'd be the primary on the financial documents...do you really see something wrong with this suggestion?"
Dumb ass #3: "If my wife ever said anything like that, I'd slap her. I'd never put up with your attitude."

Let me tell you something, Dumbass #3: who do you think you are leading me into a conversation, knowing what I would say, just to say something like that to me? You know, since you brought it up, you couldn't handle being with someone like me. Not for one day. You are way too insecure to deal with anyone who stands behind and is able to defend her own opinions. You don't want a partner, you don't want someone from whom you can learn, you don't want someone who makes you desire to be a better person. You want a dog to pant and slobber after you as you do whatever you want, unquestioned. This is amazingly understandable, though, considering the fact that you've really got nothing to offer a woman but your (moderately) good looks. I'm not impressed.

Wow. I am truly tired of these guys. I guess the truth is, though, that their own prejudice broadly displays their simple ignorance and so I'll be finished writing about it...now.

Well, there it is. Ahhhhhhhhh, I feel better. I'm sure much of you share my grief over these situations and/or ones like them, so know you're not alone. Thanks for reading and if you have any gripes, please feel free to leave a comment...it'll be therapeutic (trust me)!

Surgical Re-education

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 22:31:00 +0000

While preparing for D-day (which was, in case you're curious, June 5, 2006: the first day AMCAS accepted applications for the entering class of 2007), I spent a great deal of time in the operating room (this looked great on my application, but that ended up being just a fringe benefit...I really actually learned a lot). I racked up hundreds of hours of time shadowing surgeons and, eventually, even assisting with a few surgeries ("Hey, want to learn how to scrub in?" Hell yes!) Given all of this time I really thought I had a working understanding of the entire process of surgery on at least a general level, and I did have that...from the professional side. As I mentioned before, however, my father had surgery this Friday. Through this, I really got some education about the process of surgery from the patient's point of view.

I played it very cool for the month and a half leading up to dad's surgery. I knew he was going to be fine and that he was going to be better off because of this procedure. I answered what few questions I could for him and told him not to worry at all. And, he played it pretty cool, too. On the day of surgery, however, when I walked into his room, he had tears in his eyes and said simply, "It's over, hon." There was such relief on his face that I nearly cried, too. It turns out that I was also tense about this procedure...not because I'm not familiar with surgery, but because it was my father on the table this time. My father, the first degree black belt in Tae-Kwon-Do; my father, the dirt bike racing champion (that's him in the picture!); my father, who is strong and fit and wise and untouchable was suddenly...vulnerable. And, that's a new adjective for him in my mind.

This, I think, is the worst part of surgery for the patient and his or her family: waiting. Thinking of yourself (or someone you love) unconscious, intubated...vulnerable (there's that word again). My father said that he'd rather feel the pain after the surgery (which has been substantial) than live through the anticipation of the procedure again any day. For me, the hardest part of all of this was that I knew dad was scared and there was nothing I could do about it. (As an aside...I think that one way to know that you really do love someone--be it a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a friend, anyone--is when you would rather go through pain yourself than see the person you love endure a moment of it. And, that's true: I would have gone through all of this for my dad in a heartbeat if I only could have...)

See, this whole ordeal has given me an insight into the human side of surgery. When I worked and volunteered in the OR, very often I never even saw the patient until he or she was unconscious. It's probably very easy, when surgery is your everyday job, to loose sight of the human being in the patient. But, as a surgeon, the person on your table is a father, mother, brother, sister, husband, wife, best friend...you get the idea. Still though, at the worst case, I've seen people referred to as simply their time slots or their procedures ("This mastectomy is eating into my lunch hour")...this behavior is nauseating and ought not exist.

For what it's worth, I promise to always see the person before the procedure; to appreciate their life before their illness. I think this is very important...and I'm thankful that I'll never forget this now.

Feel better soon, dad. I love you with all my heart.

Learning Anger

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 01:49:00 +0000

During this time period of my life--when I'm getting used to the knowledge that I will be a doctor--I've noticed that the role of physician keeps changing in my mind. It keeps growing, morphing into something that sometimes surprises me. For example, until yesterday, I never thought of it as the physician's job to get angry (I guess I thought this role was reserved for stubborn people who think they know better than the doctor because they read WebMD...). But, I realize now that sometimes it's completely necessary for a good doctor to get pissed.

My father had surgery on Friday. A little while after the surgery, my father was ready to be released, however, he could not leave because no one had delivered this particular piece of equipment that he needed for his recovery. The surgeon got on the phone, called the equipment provider, and screamed at the driver for being late--the delivery was made very shortly afterward. While giving my parents their equipment, the driver said that he and the surgeon are actually best friends--outside of work. But, he explained that the surgeon was on him all the time during working hours. The surgeon doesn't let his personal feelings affect their professional relationship at all...when he's on duty, the patient is the priority. This whole scene reminded me of something that happened once while I was shadowing a different surgeon last summer:

This surgeon and I had spent a lot of time together--she's really incredible and invested a lot of time with me. I was with her all day one Tuesday (surgery day) and it was about 6pm--we'd been there for 12 hours. While preparing for her last surgery of the day, this very large man (who I later found out was in charge of the OR schedule) came in and told her that her last patient was going to have to be rescheduled (this surgeon, as a cancer specialist, didn't like the idea of postponing her patient's surgery at all, for obvious reasons). This doctor transformed from the soft-spoken, kind woman I had always been around into a formidable fireball (she is only about 5 feet tall but she put that more-than-six-foot-tall man in his place quite quickly). She made it very clear to everyone that her patient would not be rescheduled and that the manager was going to have to take a different OR away because she wasn't loosing hers. As soon as the guy left the room, she turned to me, smiled, and said, "If you don't fight for your patients, no one will."

After what happened this weekend with my family, I understand even more how right this doctor was. I'm so thankful that my father's surgeon stepped in on my parent's behalf and got things done. His bold attitude made them feel safe, well-represented, and important. That's how a patient and his or her family should feel.

So my most recent lesson is that the ability to become righteously indignant is a prerequisite for being a good doctor. Who knew?

My Best Feature

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 23:05:00 +0000

I would like to take this opportunity to brag a bit about my best feature. No, no, it's not my MCAT score or my GPA. It's not my grasp of Organic Chemistry or my ability to memorize a ridiculous amount of information in a short period of time. It's also not my bright blue eyes or my really big...lips... (wink, wink). No. My hands down, definite best feature by far is: my husband. (OK, all together now: "Awwwwwww!" That's right.)

He's the kind of man that is the implied subject of phrases like, "They just don't make them like that anymore." He's the kind of man that makes you want to become a better person--just because you know him. He's my best friend and my support. He worked two jobs (filled with ridiculous people and terrible environments) for years so that I could focus completely on school. He puts up with me--a wife that cannot offer him all the attention he deserves because she has to study a great deal--and he does so without complaint. He believes in me and, on days when I think I just don't have what it takes to become a physician, he's right beside me, convincing me that I'm wrong. He is part of my strength, my safety, and my inspiration.

I mean it when I say that I don't deserve him and that I can't believe how lucky I am to have him. Today, for example, he had a really tough day at work--his boss is completely unreasonable and makes his professional life basically a living hell. But, instead of coming home and being in a bad mood because his day sucked, he got home before me, cleaned the house, and made a really nice dinner for us. On top of that, he called me to see what time I'd be home because he wanted to have a drink ready for me when I walked in the door. I know, I know, you're probably all thinking that I'm making this up (and it does feel like a dream because I don't deserve any of this). But, I promise this is only the absolute truth. He really is this great. He's brilliant, handsome, hilarious, and strong...but he's so modest that he doesn't know that he's any of these things. And, these are just a few small examples of how special he is, how great he makes me feel, and how completely selfless and wonderfully thoughtful he is. If I tried to type all of the ways in which he is so unbelievable, it would take a lifetime.

I just hope that he knows how much I love him...and I hope that he never figures out that he deserves someone much better than me. Until that time, if I can find some way to make him feel half as loved as he makes me feel, then I've really accomplished something great.

Senioritis

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Tue, 30 Jan 2007 16:04:00 +0000

Well, well. The time which I never thought would come is actually upon me: my last semester of undergraduate study is in full swing. After speaking with a lot of other students in my position, I've decided to say a few words on an affliction which is clearly affecting many of us heavily: senioritis. This disease is tricky. It will sneak up on even the most hardcore of studiers before he or she knows what hit her or him. In an effort to help you diagnose yourself--or someone you love--I'll list a few of the more common symptoms below, using myself as an example (who else am I going to use...?)

Symptom 1: Drastic change of scholastic habits.
Example: For years, I used to come home from hours of lecture and re-write every word of notes from that day, heavily accompanying my notes with outside references and clarifying supplements, etc...(I know, I know, you're thinking, "What a nerd"...well, be that as it may, this was a habit which contributed largely to my very nice GPA. So, admitted nerdhood aside, it worked for me. And, I recommend this practice to those of you who are not currently suffering from this affliction, but I'll get back to the point.) I find myself this semester, however, unexpectedly throwing my notes at my desk and not even looking at them until I absolutely must. By this time, of course, they've become a jumbled mess of shuffled dates and incomprehensible chicken scratch. Oh, well...I've only got to pass…which brings me to the second symptom.

Symptom 2: Extreme relaxation of academic expectations.
Example: Anyone who knows me would describe me to you as a ridiculous perfectionist when it comes to school. My papers must be done early, sometimes months ahead of time, tests must be studied for weeks in advance; 'B's' were a result of Satan himself. These days, however, I find myself stating more and more frequently, "Well, I've been accepted to medical school, all I have to do now is pass." Just pass? The me from a year ago would faint. The me from today, however, just wants to take a nap. Ahhhh...the third symptom.

Symptom 3: Complete exhaustion.
I don't know if this happens as a result of the disease or if three and a half years of unyielding overachieving finally take their toll, but (whatever the reason) sufferers of senioritis can expect to be totally worn out. Example: In all the years past, I would stay awake for literally two or three days at a time. Knowing that there were things that had to be done, my academic adrenaline would kick in and keep me wide awake for days. These days, I'm not feeling that adrenaline. I don't know, perhaps it's a side effect of my anticipation of the rigors of medical school...a desire to enjoy these "simple" (simple?!?) days while I have them. Whatever the cause, I'm scraping the bottom of the willpower barrel every time I pull myself away from what I actually want to do and work.

Symptom 4: Competitive edge hiatus.
You've probably got it in you as much as I've got it in me: the overwhelming drive to be the absolute best at everything we do. That's what pushes us to do the things we've done. This drive slows during a bought with senioritis. Example: I was once so upset that someone tied me for the top Organic Chemistry test score that I actually shook. These days, I am satisfied doing well...without the nagging perfectionist requirement of being the best (see Symptom 2 for more details).

Well, these are a few of the symptoms of senioritis. If you find yourself suffering from this disease, you are not alone. After realizing there is no cure (except graduation!), I've come up with an idea about how to handle this: just go with it. See, I've been really uptight lately, worried about what's wrong with me...why I don't feel like I used to regarding school and being academically perfect and all that jazz. Here's the thing (and I know many of you find yourselves in the same boat): I've been accepted to medical school. You've been accepted to medical school, or law school, or graduate school, or some other college of your choice. I think that we deserve a little respite from our own expectations. So, I think we can afford to close the books for a few hours a week. It's OK to loose a day or two, take the phone off the hook, turn off the PDA...you get the idea. Let's enjoy this period between when we receive our acceptances and when we start the next phase of our lives. We'll never get this time back again--and in a few months, that perfectionist, type-A, super-achieving student will have to awaken within us again and give us the edge we need to become the professionals we're meant to be. So let's take a deep breath today, while we still can.

If you would like more information about senioritis, here's the link to Wikipedia's description of the disorder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senioritis (because if it's in Wikipedia, it's legitimate, of course!).

Disclaimer: I am in no way saying that we should stop going to school completely or totally blow off our responsibilities. After all, medical schools find a bachelor's degree a bit of an...asset. I'm just talking about relieving ourselves of some self-inflicted perfectionist pressure. So, let's do what we must without killing ourselves. After all, I've got a Molecular Evolution test tomorrow for which I will be studying the rest of the day...um...right after I order a pizza and watch a movie... See? Senioritis strikes again!

Ouch...Thank You!

noreply@blogger.com (One Student Doctor) — Sat, 27 Jan 2007 10:58:00 +0000

This week, I received rejections from two of the more "prestigious" medical schools on my AMCAS list. (Although, at this level of education, I'm not sure what "more prestigious" means besides "more expensive"...if anything. I've heard over and over that getting into any medical school in America is a huge accomplishment and, after having went through the entire application process, I'm now quite inclined to believe that's true. Anyway.) Even though I have been accepted to another school, these rejections still stung. So, just in case you currently find yourself holding a rejection from one or more of these schools, (or in case you will sometime in the future) here are some statistics that I hope will make you (and me) feel much better:

According to the current US News and World Report, this year's top 10 United States medical schools are the following:

1. Harvard University
2. Johns Hopkins University
3. Washington University in St. Louis
4. Duke University
5. University of Pennsylvania
6. University of California San Francisco
7. Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons
8. Stanford University
9. University of Michigan Ann Arbor
10. Yale University

So, there's the top 10. Now, according to the 2007-2008 MSAR (Medical School Admissions Requirements, basically the Bible of medical school application statistics), if you add up all of the applications each of these schools received last year, the total application pool consisted of 52,342 hopeful applicants--each, I'm sure, quite talented and qualified in his or her own way (I know, I know...obviously some of these are duplicate applicants--that is, the same applicant applying to more than one of these schools--but there's no way for me to distinguish between them, so I've just added up all of their applications for conversation's sake). Now, if you sum up the number of students who actually matriculated at these schools last year, the number is 1,317. This means that about 2.5% of the applicants to these schools actually made it. 97.5% were rejected. Remove from the 2.5% of successful applicants all those who were "aided" in the application process by some alumni family member or an otherwise non-academic hook-up that those of us lacking such connections cannot possibly make up for, and that number dwindles even further. I know. Wow.

Now, I am not in anyway trying to discourage anyone from applying to these medical schools. I believe you should learn what you can about each school and, if it fits, go for it. Absolutely. Don't hesitate because you only live once. I'm just trying to make those of us who were rejected by all of these "dream" schools feel better with the facts. So, here are some more:

If you happen to have acceptances to one of the 115 U.S. medical schools not on the list above, congratulations! That is an incredible feat. Just because an acceptance isn't from one of these top 10 schools does not mean that it wasn't very, very difficult to receive. So, here are some statistics on just how hard it was for you to get that acceptance letter, no matter from where (in America):

According to the AAMC's National Applicant Data, last year there were 39,108 complete, individual applications submitted to AMCAS. Further, there were 17,370 students who got in. That means that everyone (assuming for a moment that qualifications were equal) had only about a 44% chance of acceptance. I know that next to that 2.5% above, these chances seem great. However, when you consider all of the pain, effort, uncertainty, and expense of undergraduate study, research, the MCAT (shudder), volunteering, shadowing, and applying (etc.)...a less than 50% success rate is still quite small and means that those of us who knew the risk but still went for it are either very brave or very... Ha ha. Let's stop at brave.

So, to those of you currently in my position: I feel better, don't you? Let's enjoy the acceptances we've earned and shrug off the rejections, wherever they may be from. Perhaps we should even be thankful because we're only going to have about 1/2 the debt that those who do go to these top 10 schools will incur...